


Impressions; or, Rita is the Best Ever

by BadassIndustries



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Canon Compliant, Duke Rose and Rex Glass make an appearance, Fluff and Humour, Just a nice moment in between heists, M/M, No Angst, Nureyev & Rita Friendship, Post-Episode: s03e01-02 Juno Steel and the Man in Glass, Rita & Juno Friendship, Rita is the Absolute Best, Takes place on the Carte Blanche
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-06
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:13:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,240
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24572848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BadassIndustries/pseuds/BadassIndustries
Summary: Juno stumbles on Rita and Ransom bonding in the kitchen of the Carte Blanche. Except it doesn't sound like Ransom, it sounds likeRex Glass
Relationships: Peter Nureyev & Rita, Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel, Rita & Juno Steel
Comments: 32
Kudos: 230





	Impressions; or, Rita is the Best Ever

"What do you think, Rita my dear? And may I say those barrettes look very fetching. So sparkly."

Juno, sleepy eyed and exhausted, froze in the middle of the hallway. He had being going to the kitchen to get some stupid chamomile tea, because _someone_ said it would help with the nightmares. But obviously it wouldn't, if Juno was hallucinating before he even touched it. He could have sworn he'd heard Rex Glass. Not Ransom, not even Nureyev, but Rex Glass.

"Hmmm... oh! I know I know! Curse of the Space Invaders. The first one of course, the second one wasn't half so good, even if they did have that actress with the eyes that were just _woooow_ but let me tell you, the plot..."

Rita's voice at least, was familiar and grounding. Juno had heard this rant before, he was sure. Rita was right, that actress had very pretty eyes, even if she had no idea how to properly hold a blaster. A new voice cut through Rita's tirade before she could get to her grievances about the fate of her favourite characters.

"What about me? Duke Rose, at your service."

"Oh that one's easy, Mista Ransom. Star-crossed Lovers III: A Tale of Sad Love and Soulful Gazing."

"Fascinating!" Came the excited voice of a person who was unmistakeably Duke Rose. Juno would know that happy tone anywhere. Bracing himself, Juno shuffled into the kitchen.

He found Rita and Nureyev sitting at the dinner table. Or maybe not. Because Nureyev sat on chairs like he hadn't ever used one properly in his life, not this casual lounge. And he also didn't drink hot chocolate like he was sipping a cocktail. The posture, the smile, the delighted surprise when he looked up at Juno's entrance, that was Duke Rose all over.

"What's— what's going on here?" murmured Juno , rubbing the sleep out of his eye in the hope that that would make this situation clearer.

Rita bounced up in her chair when she saw him.

"Boss!" She said in a volume loud enough Juno was instantly properly awake, "we're playing a game! You should join! It's so fun, you’re gonna love it!"

Juno wondered if he was dreaming. Since when did his secretary and his- his Nureyev play games in the middle of the night? Not that Rita was still his secretary. But when did this happen?

"Nah, I'll uh— I’ll go. You have fun." Juno made to shuffle out the way he came.

"Nu-uh Boss! If you're here that means you didn't sleep and that means you're gonna get real cranky tomorrow if you don't have something to take your mind of it so you can actually sleep instead of just staring at the ceiling all night." Juno turned back just in time for Rita to threateningly narrow her eyes at him behind her sparkly glasses.

Juno dared a glance at Rose. Juno and Nureyev talked, sure. But they were definitely not here yet. Cozy midnight conversations were definitely a step or twelve too far. But then Duke Rose melted away and all that was left was Nureyev looking up at Juno with that open expression Juno couldn’t read.

"Stay, Juno, if you like." Nureyev said. And Juno sat down.

"So... what's the game?" Juno asked, wishing he had a glass of something strong. Or at least a mug, something he could do with his hands.

"I'm helping Mista Ransom figure out some important stuff," Rita said at the same time as Nureyev said, "Miss Rita has been kind enough to inform me my aliases lack depth."

"What." Juno said.

"She pointed out to me that, for example, Rex Glass couldn't be counted among the ranks of fully fledged personalities if he didn't have a favourite stream. I must admit she may be right, so I took the liberty of asking her to suggest some for those aliases she had already encountered."

While he spoke, Nureyev had turned fully towards Juno and pulled his feet up on the seat.

"You'll be happy to know Peter Ransom's favourite stream is now Pluto Police: Sweethearts in Crime."

"Don't pick that, you'd hate it," Juno heard himself say. He wasn't aware he had opinions on this matter but apparently he did. "Sure it sounds cute, but the police is idolised to a dumb degree and Polly is such an idiot about, like the consequences of interdepartmental sabotage. Sure I get it, it sounds romantic to replace the evidence of your fiancé's crime with love confessions but it's gonna be a whole lot less nice when you're both in prison and why are looking at me like that?”

“Nothing, Detective,” Nureyev said lightly, “except that I strongly suspect you are wrong. Perhaps we’ll have to watch it together, to verify your claims.”

He was smiling, but the edge of danger that is always present in Nureyev’s smile felt very much pushed to the forefront. Juno felt like he was being threatened with something, even if he didn’t really know what.

“See Mista Steel,” Rita piped up, bouncing a little, “I knew you’d have opinions, even if they’re wrong, so you should really join in. It’s fun! It's real fun to see him be all these different people! It's real impressive."

"Oh yeah?" Juno said hurriedly, anxious to change the subject, away from the idea of movie nights, together on the small couch, watching a romance about a cop falling in love with a criminal. "Sure, if you want to call them different people. I mean, different looks, sure.” Juno felt himself merrily digging deeper in a hole of his own making. This must be how Croesus Kanagawa felt. But he couldn’t stop himself. He was tired, and his mind kept on giving him echoes when he just wanted to sleep. His filter was gone, not that he ever had much of one. “Ransom is basically just impersonating himself, isn’t he? Playing someone not himself, now that would be impressive. And hey, when you figure that one out, let me know. Now there's a trick I'd give my eye for."

He didn’t look at Rita, so he couldn’t see her narrow her eyes at him for making jokes about that. He’s better than this, or he has been recently, but now he’s just so tired.

"Oh Juno, you could never be anything but yourself," Nureyev said in that wistful tone of his. But Juno knew he wasn’t done, he knows that cold spark in Nureyev's eyes, the one that signals something cutting coming.

"And that is no surprise, considering how laughably easy it would be to fall into your mannerisms."

Juno waited. He might not have the energy to be fun, but a fight he could do. He waited for Nureyev to start criticising Juno’s mannerisms, the lifestyle he was so stuck in he couldn’t bear leave it without the world forcing him to. He stared into Nureyev’s eyes and got a little lost in it.

"Oh that's easy," Rita cut in with a snort, cutting the tension effortlessly, "Even I can play Mista Steel, no trouble. And you spend far too much time looking at Mista Steel for that to be any kind of challenge. Do Mister Jet. No wait! Cecil Kanegawa. No wait!" Rita's eyes went wide. "Do me!"

Nureyev stared at her. And then he smiled.

"Very well, I will defend my honour. I'm afraid it will only be a sad imitation, to truly impersonate you I would need to do a good deal more research. And watch more streams."

He pushed his chair a bit away from the table.

"If you would lend me your glasses, dear, I find these kind of performances work better with props."

Immediately, Rita handed him her sparkly cateye glasses. Then she rummaged into the pockets of her poodleskirt until she found her backup pair. They had pineapples on the sides. Juno thought she still made it work, in her Rita way. Giving up, Juno turned the waterboiler on. If he was going to stay anyway, he might as well try the stupid tea.

Nureyev sat down again, perched the glasses on his nose and closed his eyes. Juno opened his mouth but before he could speak Nureyev held up a hand.

"Hush Juno. This is an art. You must allow me a proper preparation."

Juno hushed. Nureyev did that thing actors do, where they take exaggerated breaths while using unnecessary hand flourishes.

“I'm starting to think you can't do it, Ransom, I’m gonna be real disappointed," Juno teased. He leaned against the counter, waiting for the waterboiler to do its work.

Nureyev didn’t reply, just took another deep breath and then opened his eyes. The effect was profoundly weird. Nureyev has never looked so bright.

"Don't you worry Mista Steel!" Nureyev said with the bounce in her chair Rita always does when she gets particularly excited, "I can do whatever you need. You know why? Because I'm Rita!"

Rita's inflection and volume in Nureyev's voice may be the most disturbing thing Juno has ever heard. Nureyev's perched on his chair, toes just reaching the floor. His long legs are folded up awkwardly to achieve the effect. It's ridiculous. Juno can't help but smile.

"Hey Rita?" He said.

"Yeah Boss?" Came from two bright smiles simultaneously.

"What's the name of your favourite stream again?"

The real Rita starts giggling while the ridiculous imitation bounced on his seat like he was five foot tall and wearing a poodle skirt.

"Oh oh oh! The one with the mermaids! No! Werewolves in Orbit! Wait No! Hospital Dates! Trappist Cops 5! Oh Boss how can you ask me that? I mean, it's easy if you ask me which is my favourite about Mista Jet cause that's obvious. Even though that actor looks nothing like him and Mista Jet said it wasn't at all like that. But favourite stream of _all time_?"

Nureyev sighed heavily and blew the curls he doesn't have out of his face. His eyes crossed a little. Juno burst out laughing.

Nureyev narrowed his eyes behind Rita's cateye glasses.

"Mista Stee-eel," he groaned exactly like Rita does when Juno asks her to do her job even when the commercial breaks are over.

“Gee boss, gimme a minute sheesh! You’re gonna owe me so many snacks for this,”

“Oh! Hey hey Rita!” The real Rita said, banging her hand on the table. “Do the Mista Steel impression! Do it!”

Nureyev’s scrunched up face of concentration was very much like Rita, but Juno knew she never tried particularly hard whenever she pretended to be him. She just hunched her shoulders and looked mournfully out the window. He wasn’t saying it wasn’t accurate, but it certainly wasn’t very complex. Nureyev’s Juno as Rita impression was much more elaborate. It was like he was trying to make his long limbs even smaller, but tensed against a blow instead of bouncy and excited.

“My name is Juno Steel and I’m a Private Eye. The life of a Private Investigator ain’t easy. You gotta solve cases, even when the commercial’s over. You gotta think it’s normal to climb out of windows to escape conversations.” Nureyev’s voice lifted into Rita’s pitch and then lowered into her PI growl was even more ridiculous. Juno was focusing very hard on the ridiculous voice so he didn’t have to pay attention to what Nureyev is actually saying. “I’m too pretty to understand technology, so I make my genius secretary work my comms. I always wear the same ratty coat because it makes me look cool. I swing in on a starbeam at the last possible moment to sweep unsuspecting people of their feet—”

“Nah, I wouldn’t say that,” Rita broke in, to Juno’s relief. Nureyev started, surprised, and looked at her. He relaxed into himself again.

“Yes, I suppose you’re right, I believe I forgot myself for a moment.” He shrugs elegantly.

“Forgot me, more like,” Rita said, in what counts as sotto voce for her.

“Excuse me?” Nureyev asked, raising one eyebrow at her.

“Well, it’s like, you were being me pretty well. But I wouldn’t say those things about Mista Steel. He’s a real pretty lady sure, but he’s my best friend and my boss, so eww.”

“Yes, I admit—” Nureyev tried, but Rita steamrolled right over him. He should really stop leaving those dignified pauses for effect if he wants to get a word in edgewise in a conversation with Rita. Juno learned many years ago that you just gotta keep talking if you really want Rita to listen.

“So seems to me, Mista Ransom, that you didn’t forget yourself, but you forgot you were being me and I wouldn’t say those things about Mista Steel. But you would, so you did.”

Rita beamed. Nureyev’s face was a picture in frozen nonchalance behind ridiculous glasses. Juno didn’t know how to react, so he didn’t.

“Right, I’m gonna make some stupid tea and try and sleep. Rita, tell Ransom about The Bold and the Extraterrestrial, he’d like that much better.”

Hurriedly, Juno poured some hot water in a mug and just took the whole box of tea with him. He’d bring it back tomorrow or something. Even though Nureyev’s attention was wholly absorbed in Rita’s excited explanation of why The Bold and the Extraterrestrial was her 64th favourite stream, Juno could feel his eyes on him. Mug in hand, he fled the scene.

**Author's Note:**

> Rita is the best ever and that's just the truth.
> 
> I needed Rita and Nureyev to be friends. Later on they can bond about growing up in revolutionary families and also loving a certain grumpy detective.
> 
> Which alias do you think would be Rita's favourite? And how much is Juno going to be screaming on the inside while he and Nureyev are watching Sweethearts in Crime together?
> 
> I'm quite new to writing in this fandom, so do let me know what you think! You can also find me on tumblr at badassindistress, come talk to me about how cute Rita is!
> 
> As always, thanks for reading!


End file.
